i dont know why i’ve been randomly getting sad lately. i’ll be fine one minute, & the next i’m debbie downer.

looking through old camping pictures. it most definitely won’t be the same without BoBoy. i can’t help but think of how much has changed this year & how pretty much nothing is going to be the same, & hasn’t been the same. i guess that’s just life.

the fuck? find me where… i dont get it .____.

i need to stop doing this to myself😔

i really miss enrique. little things have been reminding me of him.

its a force of habit for me to look for him at his bus stop. i was on my way to work & i looked & there was a guy, wearing a jacket like enriques jacket, at his stop. my heart stopped because i thought for a moment it was him. it was enriques signature black & gray stripped  jacket, but not enrique. when i got off the bus i was listening to pandora & a song came on, i have no clue what the song was, but i felt like i was walking to my death for some odd reason. i looked at the cover of the song & it was guys sitting on a railroad track. i started walking to work & this girl was wearing a texas roadhouse jacket, the “i love my job” jacket, i knew it wasnt him, because…well it was a girl walking. i have to cross over railroad tracks to get to my job & a trains horn sounded, but no train came. i thought it was really strange, but i continued with my day. later, i went to logans last run through before WGI & i went to lianas house after, but on our way home, a train went by, on the track enrique was killed on. 

sophomore year in guard we stopped at a rest stop on our way back from competition, that was the year i met enrique. we ate at a mcdonalds & they asked for my name, we told them that it was enriqua. today, on our way back from competition, we stopped at the same stop, & we weren’t supposed to. we were supposed to keep going for another hour or so, but the driver decided to stop at the same place i gave them the false name. i gave them the same name this year, i dont know why but in a way its like saying goodbye. i met him & gave the name, & i lost him, & gave the name one last time. i know i’ll never go to that stop because i’m never competing in socal again. 

he was in my dream last night as well, i’m really happy that he’s been visiting, or just dropping by to say hi.  te amo kike. 

my body hurts. my head hurts. everything is pounding. i hate being sick. i have work everyday 8-5 this week. someone shoot me now.

hardcore diet starting tomorrow.

enrique was in my dream last night. they say if a loved one who has passed is in your dream, its them visiting you. it felt so real, i never wanted to wake up. he was in my car, & for some reason i was telling a police officer that he was supposed to be dead & i didn’t know why his body was in my backseat. after i had finished talking to the officer, enrique started talking to me & said that i had been wishing & hoping for him to come back to life for so long that he did, and i didn’t question it because i was just so happy i had him back. all of a sudden we were back at his house & he was just holding me like he always would. i could smell his cologne & his hair, still the same products. his voice was so warm & calming. i got to tell him everything i’ve been wanting to say. when i was in his arms, everything felt like it would be okay again. when i woke up, i actually thought he was alive again. for a moment, i believed that my dream & all of my hoping, praying, & wishing had really come true. i miss him so much. 

he’s cuter than i remember 😳